Jinx? Stands for best matchmaker ever! Dur!
by Cinis
Summary: Caitlyn's eye twitched. "I said, 'Do you want to play with my fuzzy cuffs' and you said, 'No, I want to fix the hydraulics in my left gauntlet.'" A week at the bar with Caitlyn, Vi, Jayce, and Jinx. Caitlyn/Vi. Crackfic. Oneshot.


A/N: Uh. I blame the plotbunny.

Disclaimer: I don't own nuthin' and I ain't makin' no money off nuthin'

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**MONDAY NIGHT**

"Hey Jace! Power slam!" Vi shouted. She grabbed her shot of… whatever it was Gragas had given her (vodka? gin? vodka-gin? vodka-gin-whiskey-redbull? pssh, it didn't matter) and tossed it to the back. Across the table, Jayce did the same. His face contorted in one direction, then untwisted itself and contorted in the other direction, then-

Caitlyn nimbly leapt out of the way as Jayce sprayed alcohol all over Vi's face. "What the hell was that, Jawline?" Vi demanded as she wiped warm jaeger off her face. Thankfully the League bar had a zero-tolerance policy for weapons so she wasn't attempting to clean herself with her gauntlets on. She'd tried that once. It hadn't ended well.

"Sharp shooting, if I may so myself," Caitlyn said, not even trying to hide her smirk.

Jayce ignored both of them and got up to stomp over to Gragas. It was a Monday night, so the place was empty and it was easy to get the ginger's attention. Jayce slammed his empty shot glass down on the bar so hard the glass cracked. "I said rum, not jaeger!"

The beer-bellied bartender looked at the Defender of Tomorrow and blinked as if in a very dense fog. "Jaeger? You want… more jaeger?" Gragas burped purple and then keeled over, black out drunk.

Jayce let out a disgusted sigh before leaping over the bar to pour himself a drink. What did he want? Hm. He cast his eyes over the League stock (top of the shelf, all of it) and grinned. Dry martini, shaken, not stirred, coming right up.

When Jayce returned to the table… there wasn't a table anymore. There was a broken table, snapped neatly in two, and the signs of a struggle. Confused, he looked around. It didn't take long to locate Olaf, brandishing a pitcher and chanting, "FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!"

And then there was Caitlyn clinging to Vi's back like a koala, trying to restrain the much stronger woman (a fairly common sight, actually), and there was Jinx, standing a few feet away from Vi and striking runway poses while grinning like a maniac.

Jayce's eyes narrowed. This could mean only one thing.

Jayce switched his drink to his left hand, smoothed his hair with his right hand, and sauntered over. "Hey ladies, don't worry, there's enough of me to go around."

Caitlyn was focused on not letting Vi rip Jinx limb from limb and thus was not prepared to stop the pink haired demon from knocking Jayce to the floor with a vicious uppercut.

"KABOOM!" Olaf shouted.

Beneath Caitlyn's weight and the weight of goodness knew how many shots, Vi stumbled forward one step at a time. "Damn Cait, right there, wanted criminal!"

Caitlyn grimaced and hugged Vi tighter. "We're at the League. She has diplomatic immunity here!"

"Yeah, well, it's a bar fight, cupcake! Accidents happen! Like my fist accidentally breaking her face!"

Jinx smirked and thrust her hips out suggestively. "Cupcake? Is that what you call her in bed?"

Caitlyn let go. All hell broke loose.

**TUESDAY NIGHT  
**  
"Hey Jayce! Power slam!" Vi shouted as she knocked back her shot.

Jayce glared at her. His mouth was wired shut and he was drinking his whiskey and coke through a straw. Soraka could have healed his fractured jaw instantly, but instead she'd said something about bar fights and learning lessons. She'd said the same thing to Vi, who was now taking her shots left handed. Not that it slowed her in the least (ambidextrous, bitch!)

Caitlyn alone had emerged from the previous night's activities unscathed. She eyed both of her companions with a look of smug satisfaction as she sipped her Firefly from a teacup.

Finding herself out of alcohol and nowhere near inebriated enough, Vi got up and stumbled to the bar. She slurred out her order to Gragas and the still-sober-enough-to-pour bartender gave her a pint of Graggy.

When Vi returned to the table, she had to blink once or twice to make sure she was actually seeing what she was seeing. There was a blue haired devil sitting in her seat.

"What. Is. Going. On." Vi demanded.

Jinx turned and grinned. "Oh hey fat hands. Why don't you pull up a chair? Hat lady was just telling me about all the hot sex you two have!"

"I was doing nothing of the sort!" Caitlyn protested.

"Oh," Jinx purred. She leaned toward Caitlyn and grinned suggestively. "So you're single?"

Vi saw red. And she did pull up a chair. She pulled up a chair right over Jinx's head.

"So that's a yes?" Jinx groaned from the floor.

**WEDNESDAY NIGHT – ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS  
**  
"Hello, my name is Vi," said Vi.

"Hello Vi," chorused half the entire League. The Alcoholics Anonymous program was compulsory for anyone who wanted to use the League bar. The summoners had gotten tired of champions showing up to matches too sloshed to last hit. Or maybe it was the summoners who were too sloshed? Whatever the case, AA meetings were mandatory.

"I haven't had any alcohol in sixteen hours."

There was enthusiastic clapping. Truly, Vi was a model to them all.

"Next!" called Gragas, the facilitator.

"Hello, my name is Caitlyn," said Caitlyn. "And I do not have a drinking problem. Thank you."

Sporadic, confused applause.

"Next!"

Kog'maw waddled up to the podium and ate it.

There was then much screaming and panicking and fleeing of the area.

Kog'maw looked around and gurgled unhappily. Where had all its friends gone? They'd all looked so tasty!

Gragas crawled out from behind a curtain and poured some of Kog'maw's trail into a vial. You never knew what might make the next greatest liquor.

**THURSDAY NIGHT  
**  
Jinx crept stealthily into the bar. Subtlety wasn't her strong suite, but sometimes it took a bit of hiding to set up the fireworks. Tonight the place was crowded, thirsty Thursday and all, so finding her mark was a little harder than it had been the past few days.

But wait, there! A flash of pink! Jinx walked over to the table Vi had just left and plopped down in the enforcer's seat. Casually she leaned over to Caitlyn. "Hey there hat lady."

Caitlyn eyed her suspiciously and took a sip from her teacup of booze. "Hello Jinx." The Sheriff took another sip. "I trust you have some sort of plan."

Jinx scoffed. "Me? Plan? HAHAHAH!"

Caitlyn twitched. "At your rate of progress, the only think you will accomplish is getting us all expelled from this bar. Bear in mind that you will not be paid if you do not succeed."

"I know what I'm doing, hat lady. HAHA, no I don't!" Jinx looked around wildly. "Oh, look, it's my favorite waste of bullets coming back! Play along, hat lady." The maniac dragged her chair over so that it was right next to the Sheriffs and she slung an arm around Caitlyn's shoulders.

At the same table, Jayce's eyes bugged out as he looked from one woman to the other and he made some sort of muffled screamish noises in the back of his throat. His jaw was still wired shut.

"Get your hands off of her!" Vi screamed. She upended her drink all over Jinx's head to get the point across just a little more forcefully.

Jinx ignored the spilled drink and jumped into Caitlyn's lap. "Getting territorial?" she asked. "Don't know why, I heard she's single."

Caitlyn, for her part, was doing her best not to hyperventilate from the combination of shock, confusion, and invasion of personal space.

In the blink of an eye, Vi was on Jinx, strangling her, and chanting "Anger management, anger management, anger mana-FUCK THIS SHIT! VI STANDS FOR VIOLENCE!"

**FRIDAY NIGHT  
**  
Since, after the last two times, Vi was unwilling to leave the table lest Jinx steal her seat, Caitlyn was forced to get their drinks. Jinx met her at the bar.

"How'ya doin' hat lady?"

"The deal is off," Caitlyn declared. "You have obviously proved unable to deliver."

"Aw, don't be like that," Jinx whined. "One more shot? Pleeeaaassseeeee?" She brought out her best puppy dog eyes. They were demented. Hopefully not stolen from a real puppy. "I won't even ask you to pay me! Think of it as a family discount! Think of how badly Vi needs to get laid! Do it for the team!"

Caitlyn ground her teeth in a most un-ladylike manner. "Fine."

"YAY!" Jinx crowed. "You're not gonna regret it, hat lady. Or maybe you will." She grabbed Caitlyn's belt and dragged the woman back to Vi's table.

"What do you think you're doing?" Caitlyn hissed.

"Winning!" Jinx declared. She tapped Vi on the top of the head. "Hey fat hands!"

Vi spun around with fire in her eyes. "WHAT?!"

Jinx grinned. "Bet you've always wanted to do this!" She wrapped her hands around the back of Caitlyn's neck and pulled the Sheriff into a great, big, sloppy, kiss. With lots of tongue.

Caitlyn flailed.

Vi flailed.

Jinx went flying. Like, actually flying. Straight over the heads of the other patrons flying.

When Jinx made it back to the table, Vi had Caitlyn bent backwards over said table and the two were making out. Heavily. Jayce, jaw still wired shut, had his phone and was taking lots of pictures.

Jinx cleared her throat loudly. Vi and Caitlyn stopped making out to glare at her. Jinx grinned. Jinx pulled a banner out of hammerspace that said "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!"

Vi let Caitlyn up from the table. "Mission accomplished? What the hell?"

Jinx bowed extravagantly. "Jinx! Stands for 'Best matchmaker ever!' Dur! My rates are quite affordable."

Vi spluttered. "Someone paid you to… Who?"

The amount of shit that Jinx could eat with her shit eating grin was astronomical. "Vi stands for stooopid! Poor hat lady was just getting so sexually frustrated-

"I was no such thing!" Caitlyn cut in.

Vi rounded on Caitlyn. "You hired that turd to set us up? Why would you do that? Why didn't you just say something?"

Caitlyn's eye twitched. "I said, 'Do you want to play with my fuzzy cuffs?' and you said, 'No, I want to fix the hydraulics in my left gauntlet.' I said, 'Oh dear Vi, the second shower is broken and we only have fifteen minutes before we have to go!' and you said, 'God made dirt, dirt don't hurt.' I said, 'Vi, would you like to go on a romantic dinner on Friday, just the two of us?' and you said, 'No, I-

"Yup, sexually frustrated," Jinx cut in. "Hey, hat lady, what color do you think Vi's underwear is? Pink?"

Vi's eyes narrowed. She leaned over and gave Caitlyn a quick peck on the cheek. "Just a sec cupcake." She cracked her knuckles and advanced on Jinx. "I promise I'll be right back."

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edit: you know, i might make this not a one shot. because i can totally see jinx reading fanfic becoming a crazy shipper and then acting out her dreams and desires. it'd go something like this:

Riven: *lying on ground, clutching shot leg and bleeding profusely* Why are you doing this?  
Jinx: *aims Pow-Pow* I read Guiding Light by Salvadora11! Lux is your soulmate! You can admit it... or you can die! *smiles winningly*

so that's a thought maybe.


End file.
